Friday, May 9, 2008
Someone wiser than me once said:
A turd can last for an eternity, but a fart instantly passes into history.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
In the beginning. . .
So I think that it’s time I come clean a little and tell you how and why I wrote on that bathroom wall all those years ago and how a single moment in my life helped me through a difficult time, but also started me on creating one of America’s favorite past times – bathroom wall poetry.
The town was Lincoln, Nebraska, I had been struggling for the better part of a year to get Uranus Toilet Paper products into the green and on its way to becoming a real company. I can’t easily explain how I got into the toilet paper business other than by saying I thought that I could make money doing it – and quick – by providing a product that was cheap and easy to produce and one which I could turn around and sell with ease by undercutting the competition. But, it didn’t work out that way, life seldom does. My primary customers were medium to large businesses, or, at least that was the plan of whom I was going to be selling my product to – the big boys. It became apparent rather quickly, however, that places of employment who paid salaries, labor costs, rent, amongst a millions of other bills that came along with owning a business, didn’t want to dish out any money for bathroom products – I guess they figured they provided you with a means to live, they weren’t going to wipe your ass for you too.
The last hope I had to make a buck was a large bank in the Lincoln area, I won’t say which one, and to make a long story short, that prospect fell through. Later that day I found myself in the bathroom struggling in my mind about what to do next; quit and get a real job or push on and fall, more than likely, further into debt. As you can imagine I was depressed and overall, a wreck. I wasn’t suicidal, but it did cross my mind to write my last will and testament on those bathroom walls.
It was than that I heard a singing from the stall next to mine which I didn’t even know was occupied. The bar atone voice that sang very much out of tune and which had a rather crackly edge to it kept repeating the same line over and over: “Just sitting here ass cheeks-a-flexin’. Every once in a while there would be a pause and grunt (amongst other bodily noises) and just as I thought he was going to add another verse onto his little ditty he just repeated the line again. It was then that I pulled out a Sharpie from my pocket and wrote the now famous lines on the bathroom wall – followed by my own personal additions, or course.
When I was finished I walked out of the stall and over to the sink to wash my hands, which was next to the one being used by the would be bathroom poet. He was an overweight cowboy looking type who was wearing cowboy boots and a ten-gallon cowboy hat. I washed my hands and as I walking out the door I turned, smiled and said “thank you.” Of course he didn’t know what I was talking about, but I knew, and for the first time in, well, possibly ever, I knew everything was going to be alright.
It was because of him that I realized that nothing comes easy, certainly not as easy as that rhyme came to me. I doubled my efforts and completely changed around my work ethic, not to mention my business model. I worked longer hours and twice as hard, I would sell my toilet paper door to door and roll by roll if I had too, but I would make it work.
The town was Lincoln, Nebraska, I had been struggling for the better part of a year to get Uranus Toilet Paper products into the green and on its way to becoming a real company. I can’t easily explain how I got into the toilet paper business other than by saying I thought that I could make money doing it – and quick – by providing a product that was cheap and easy to produce and one which I could turn around and sell with ease by undercutting the competition. But, it didn’t work out that way, life seldom does. My primary customers were medium to large businesses, or, at least that was the plan of whom I was going to be selling my product to – the big boys. It became apparent rather quickly, however, that places of employment who paid salaries, labor costs, rent, amongst a millions of other bills that came along with owning a business, didn’t want to dish out any money for bathroom products – I guess they figured they provided you with a means to live, they weren’t going to wipe your ass for you too.
The last hope I had to make a buck was a large bank in the Lincoln area, I won’t say which one, and to make a long story short, that prospect fell through. Later that day I found myself in the bathroom struggling in my mind about what to do next; quit and get a real job or push on and fall, more than likely, further into debt. As you can imagine I was depressed and overall, a wreck. I wasn’t suicidal, but it did cross my mind to write my last will and testament on those bathroom walls.
It was than that I heard a singing from the stall next to mine which I didn’t even know was occupied. The bar atone voice that sang very much out of tune and which had a rather crackly edge to it kept repeating the same line over and over: “Just sitting here ass cheeks-a-flexin’. Every once in a while there would be a pause and grunt (amongst other bodily noises) and just as I thought he was going to add another verse onto his little ditty he just repeated the line again. It was then that I pulled out a Sharpie from my pocket and wrote the now famous lines on the bathroom wall – followed by my own personal additions, or course.
When I was finished I walked out of the stall and over to the sink to wash my hands, which was next to the one being used by the would be bathroom poet. He was an overweight cowboy looking type who was wearing cowboy boots and a ten-gallon cowboy hat. I washed my hands and as I walking out the door I turned, smiled and said “thank you.” Of course he didn’t know what I was talking about, but I knew, and for the first time in, well, possibly ever, I knew everything was going to be alright.
It was because of him that I realized that nothing comes easy, certainly not as easy as that rhyme came to me. I doubled my efforts and completely changed around my work ethic, not to mention my business model. I worked longer hours and twice as hard, I would sell my toilet paper door to door and roll by roll if I had too, but I would make it work.
And I did.
I never became rich, but I pulled my small business out of the hole and made a small profit after a while. By the time I sold the business in the late 90’s I was doing pretty well. An early retirement is what I had aimed for and that is exactly what I got.
The moral of the story, if there is one, is that if life hands you toilet paper to wipe with, us it, and if life hands you poison ivy, just remember not to scratch when it starts to itch. I know that might not make a lot of sense to most people, but it makes perfect sense to me, just noodle on it for a bit and it will eventually make sense to you too.
You’re Governorship
Here is the letter I said I was going to write to the Govenor concerning bathroom safty:
You’re Governorship,
I would like to thank you for taking the time and reading my letter concerning a matter which has been, up until now, largely ignored. It is a subject matter that every man is a victim of and one which has caused much discomfort, unease, and unnecessary stress. I am of course talking about bathroom etiquette.
As I am sure you are well aware, proper bathroom etiquette dictates that at no time should any man occupy a urinal that is immediately occupied by someone else either to the right or to the left of his urinal of choice. As I am also sure you are very much well aware is that the most common configuration of urinals in any place of business is the three urinal system where two full sized urinals exists one right next to the other and then a “kiddy” stall on the end usually placed in the left most position.
Bathroom etiquette mixed with this configuration of urinals along with the fact that it is male tendency to always use the center stall (a.k.a. The Kings Thrown, Urinal of Honor or, if you are Canadian, The Post Molson Brewery) creates a stressful and health threatening situations where some unlucky male who has to use the urinals rather urgently could find that the center urinal is occupied leaving him no other urinal to relive himself.
My proposal is that a law be passed where by all public buildings and business buildings be required to have bathrooms here no fewer than four urinals be present. In this scenario not only will most if not all cases of urgent bathroom use be satisfied, but also, the “Kings Thrown” scenario will also be eliminated ensuring that an available urinal will be present for any additional occupants of the bathroom when it is needed.
I would like to thank you once again for taking the time to read my letter and I look forward to your response. With your help we can make men’s bathrooms across the state a safer, healthier place that all men can once again enjoy. This, along with another proposal that I will discuss in a future letter – the outlawing of “hands free relief” style of urinating, an unacceptable style of bathroom showboating – we can, together, increase bathroom sanitation as well.
Again, thank you and Godspeed
You’re Governorship,
I would like to thank you for taking the time and reading my letter concerning a matter which has been, up until now, largely ignored. It is a subject matter that every man is a victim of and one which has caused much discomfort, unease, and unnecessary stress. I am of course talking about bathroom etiquette.
As I am sure you are well aware, proper bathroom etiquette dictates that at no time should any man occupy a urinal that is immediately occupied by someone else either to the right or to the left of his urinal of choice. As I am also sure you are very much well aware is that the most common configuration of urinals in any place of business is the three urinal system where two full sized urinals exists one right next to the other and then a “kiddy” stall on the end usually placed in the left most position.
Bathroom etiquette mixed with this configuration of urinals along with the fact that it is male tendency to always use the center stall (a.k.a. The Kings Thrown, Urinal of Honor or, if you are Canadian, The Post Molson Brewery) creates a stressful and health threatening situations where some unlucky male who has to use the urinals rather urgently could find that the center urinal is occupied leaving him no other urinal to relive himself.
My proposal is that a law be passed where by all public buildings and business buildings be required to have bathrooms here no fewer than four urinals be present. In this scenario not only will most if not all cases of urgent bathroom use be satisfied, but also, the “Kings Thrown” scenario will also be eliminated ensuring that an available urinal will be present for any additional occupants of the bathroom when it is needed.
I would like to thank you once again for taking the time to read my letter and I look forward to your response. With your help we can make men’s bathrooms across the state a safer, healthier place that all men can once again enjoy. This, along with another proposal that I will discuss in a future letter – the outlawing of “hands free relief” style of urinating, an unacceptable style of bathroom showboating – we can, together, increase bathroom sanitation as well.
Again, thank you and Godspeed
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Here's some love
It’s time for a revolution
Don’t need no paper to write my resolution
Save your paper and save your pen
Flush them away for you’ll never need them again
This line contains the simple word grass
Just so I have something to rhyme with the word ass
A freshly painted wall in a bathroom is such a tease
Especially for Toilet Bowl who rhymes with such ease
From New York to Los Angeles and from Chicago to El Paso
My bathroom wall revolution will grab you like a giant Texan lasso
Some may call me silly some may call me dumb
I don’t care you all can kiss my bum
So the next time you may be out west
Look for poetry by Toilet Bowl for he is the best
Don’t need no paper to write my resolution
Save your paper and save your pen
Flush them away for you’ll never need them again
This line contains the simple word grass
Just so I have something to rhyme with the word ass
A freshly painted wall in a bathroom is such a tease
Especially for Toilet Bowl who rhymes with such ease
From New York to Los Angeles and from Chicago to El Paso
My bathroom wall revolution will grab you like a giant Texan lasso
Some may call me silly some may call me dumb
I don’t care you all can kiss my bum
So the next time you may be out west
Look for poetry by Toilet Bowl for he is the best
--Toilet Bowl
Monday, May 5, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
A man walks into a restroom
So I came across a blog discussing bathroom etiquette. The whole thesis of the article was about given the option of three unoccupied urinals which would you choose? The very act of choosing a urinal has been a dilemma for many a man for centuries, but in light of this article I really must say that the decision is a no brainier - always choose the middle.
As this blog pointed out by choosing the middle urinal you are letting every male who comes into the bathroom after you that you are "King" and that for all he is concerned the two remaining urinals are not available for no other reason that bathroom protocol which stipulates - and which may go against the thesis in this bathroom wall etiquette blog entry - that at no time shall one man ever - EVER! - use a urinal next to another that is occupied. In the three urinal system - which is most common - this means that at any one time one, and only one, urinal can be in use. If, on the off chance, that someone decides to use one of the urinals while you are there this may be seen as "suspicious," and indicates one of two things:
1)You may have a Larry Craig situation on your hands, in which case you need to finish up and get the hell out of there as quick as possible - don't bother washing your hands.
2)The other guy must have to pee real bad and while he will look like a big pussy in the eyes of the world for braking bathroom procedural rules anyone, including myself, will not look down to harshly on him. I have had too pee real bad at times too and could not wait.
It is because of this dilemma that I have decided that action needs to be taken and is why I have made this blog entry to notify my devout followers out there that I plan on writing my State Governor and demanding that all bathrooms have at least four stalls available at all times. In this manner, at least, two men will be able to use the restroom at any given time and this will also remove the "Kings Urinal" scenario eliminating some of the uneasy men bathroom stress.
I have yet to write this letter but when I do I will post it for all to see and peruse. Until then. . .
As this blog pointed out by choosing the middle urinal you are letting every male who comes into the bathroom after you that you are "King" and that for all he is concerned the two remaining urinals are not available for no other reason that bathroom protocol which stipulates - and which may go against the thesis in this bathroom wall etiquette blog entry - that at no time shall one man ever - EVER! - use a urinal next to another that is occupied. In the three urinal system - which is most common - this means that at any one time one, and only one, urinal can be in use. If, on the off chance, that someone decides to use one of the urinals while you are there this may be seen as "suspicious," and indicates one of two things:
1)You may have a Larry Craig situation on your hands, in which case you need to finish up and get the hell out of there as quick as possible - don't bother washing your hands.
2)The other guy must have to pee real bad and while he will look like a big pussy in the eyes of the world for braking bathroom procedural rules anyone, including myself, will not look down to harshly on him. I have had too pee real bad at times too and could not wait.
It is because of this dilemma that I have decided that action needs to be taken and is why I have made this blog entry to notify my devout followers out there that I plan on writing my State Governor and demanding that all bathrooms have at least four stalls available at all times. In this manner, at least, two men will be able to use the restroom at any given time and this will also remove the "Kings Urinal" scenario eliminating some of the uneasy men bathroom stress.
I have yet to write this letter but when I do I will post it for all to see and peruse. Until then. . .
Saturday, May 3, 2008
No news is. . .no news
I have decided that there is nothing interesting happening in the world anymore. Oh, sure this is Iraq and an upcoming election, and the world keeps on trying to prove to me that Britney Spears can sing, but I still don't see it, not to mention that this Dr. Phil guy is still hanging around thanks to some gift of misattributed fame that all of us keep feeding into. I may not know much but what I do know is that Dr. Phil is no doctor - he may be a lot of things, but a doctor he is not.
This is why I have decided to create my own news headlines. Sure none of what I am about to say is real even in the biggest stretch of the imagination, but who cares, most of the shit I see on CNN and Fox barley qualifies as news and yet they still broadcast it, so it is my turn. This will give me the opportunity to have some fun and hopefully you all out there will have a few good laughs during the whole process.
Today in Canton, Ohio a man angry at his neighbors dog threatens to "staple it's ass shut" but, he ends up getting side tracked and staples his own ass shut instead.
On the Eastern coast today a man reported spotting a UFO that hovered for several minutes outside his bedroom window. Upon calling the police they discovered a rather large stock pile of hallucinogenic drugs including LSD. The man claims his drug use had nothing to do with his UFO sighting and that the drugs were compensation given to him by aliens for medical experiences they performed on him the month before.
Today a handful of colleges across the country announced that they would allow coed dorm rooms. Should parents be concerned? No! It just means that you son or daughter will now not have to travel across campus or across town in order to have sex.
*In related news, parents are now sending their children off to college with vast supplies of condoms.
*In related news, Trojan has announced earnings above what was expected for this quarter.
*In related news, Billy here still can't get laid
*In unrelated news Backstreet boys still suck no matter how long they have been around. No amount of alcohol can ever change that.
Friday, May 2, 2008
undie Castaway or Rodeo
It's that place that holds something special inside your heart
It's that place you know you'll soon need after a big 'ol fart
Only a few miles until you'll really have to go
To some gas station bathroom to watch the poo poo rodeo
Rodeo; keep on hangin' on
Rodeo; remember to flush before movin' on
So, now, whenever the road stretches miles ahead
Rest easy knowing a toilet down the road is waiting to be fed
Just pull down your britches and deliver it with ease
Or crap on the side of the road for all the world to see
Rodeo; go away undie castaway
Rodeo; that's my story and all I have to say
It's that place you know you'll soon need after a big 'ol fart
Only a few miles until you'll really have to go
To some gas station bathroom to watch the poo poo rodeo
Rodeo; keep on hangin' on
Rodeo; remember to flush before movin' on
So, now, whenever the road stretches miles ahead
Rest easy knowing a toilet down the road is waiting to be fed
Just pull down your britches and deliver it with ease
Or crap on the side of the road for all the world to see
Rodeo; go away undie castaway
Rodeo; that's my story and all I have to say
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Douglas Bruse - Colorado House Representative
Colorado is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful place to live, but when it comes to politics it is a mad, mad, mad, mad world.
Sure we have your run of the mill politician who is always pocking his head where is doesn’t belong – pun intended. For example, Michael Garcia who felt some strange urge to whip it out and exposed himself to a female lobbyist. Garcia claims that the act was consensual, sure it was. In the game of “who’s the dog and who’s the fire hydrant tonight,” it’s easy to get upset if you’re always the fire hydrant. Apparently this lobbyist had had enough and wanted to be the dog for once – arf.
However, not many states can claim to have a Douglas Bruce character like Colorado has, who’s antics will land him in the “Politicians Gone Wild” hall of fame along with the “Not on my dress” award.
Bruce, who took over for Bill Cadman who left for the Senate, is best known to date (a time span totaling almost five months now as a House member) for kicking a Rocky Mountain News photographer on the day he was sworn in as a House member. Yeah, first day on the job and you kick a member of the press, not good. Then, last week Bruce, on the House floor, said that all immigrants are “illiterate peasants.” Bruce, as you can imagine - considering what kind of person you would have to be to make such a comment in the first place - failed to see why the comment is being taken as racist.
And finally the sexual harassment charge.
So, as you can see, many other states maybe have politicians who have had sexual charges filled against them, but no other state – that I know of – has a politician that is a racist, batterer, and who is being charged with sexual harassment.
Ain’t he a gem, we Coloradoans should be proud!
I would like to tell you a story of a man named Bruce
Colorado Representative couldn't hold a truce
Then one day as he was getting sworn in
Kicked a Rocky Mountain News photographer right in the chin
Douglas that is, batterer, racist and now sexual harasser
Now, the next thing you all know
The House is voting for him to shut his filthy hole
Said: "In restraints is where you aught to be"
So they took a vote to hush 'em up which passed easily
63-1, "illiterate peasants," tax fraud, and yes, he's still a racist
Sure we have your run of the mill politician who is always pocking his head where is doesn’t belong – pun intended. For example, Michael Garcia who felt some strange urge to whip it out and exposed himself to a female lobbyist. Garcia claims that the act was consensual, sure it was. In the game of “who’s the dog and who’s the fire hydrant tonight,” it’s easy to get upset if you’re always the fire hydrant. Apparently this lobbyist had had enough and wanted to be the dog for once – arf.
However, not many states can claim to have a Douglas Bruce character like Colorado has, who’s antics will land him in the “Politicians Gone Wild” hall of fame along with the “Not on my dress” award.
Bruce, who took over for Bill Cadman who left for the Senate, is best known to date (a time span totaling almost five months now as a House member) for kicking a Rocky Mountain News photographer on the day he was sworn in as a House member. Yeah, first day on the job and you kick a member of the press, not good. Then, last week Bruce, on the House floor, said that all immigrants are “illiterate peasants.” Bruce, as you can imagine - considering what kind of person you would have to be to make such a comment in the first place - failed to see why the comment is being taken as racist.
And finally the sexual harassment charge.
So, as you can see, many other states maybe have politicians who have had sexual charges filled against them, but no other state – that I know of – has a politician that is a racist, batterer, and who is being charged with sexual harassment.
Ain’t he a gem, we Coloradoans should be proud!
I would like to tell you a story of a man named Bruce
Colorado Representative couldn't hold a truce
Then one day as he was getting sworn in
Kicked a Rocky Mountain News photographer right in the chin
Douglas that is, batterer, racist and now sexual harasser
Now, the next thing you all know
The House is voting for him to shut his filthy hole
Said: "In restraints is where you aught to be"
So they took a vote to hush 'em up which passed easily
63-1, "illiterate peasants," tax fraud, and yes, he's still a racist
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