I have decided that there is nothing interesting happening in the world anymore. Oh, sure this is Iraq and an upcoming election, and the world keeps on trying to prove to me that Britney Spears can sing, but I still don't see it, not to mention that this Dr. Phil guy is still hanging around thanks to some gift of misattributed fame that all of us keep feeding into. I may not know much but what I do know is that Dr. Phil is no doctor - he may be a lot of things, but a doctor he is not.
This is why I have decided to create my own news headlines. Sure none of what I am about to say is real even in the biggest stretch of the imagination, but who cares, most of the shit I see on CNN and Fox barley qualifies as news and yet they still broadcast it, so it is my turn. This will give me the opportunity to have some fun and hopefully you all out there will have a few good laughs during the whole process.
Today in Canton, Ohio a man angry at his neighbors dog threatens to "staple it's ass shut" but, he ends up getting side tracked and staples his own ass shut instead.
On the Eastern coast today a man reported spotting a UFO that hovered for several minutes outside his bedroom window. Upon calling the police they discovered a rather large stock pile of hallucinogenic drugs including LSD. The man claims his drug use had nothing to do with his UFO sighting and that the drugs were compensation given to him by aliens for medical experiences they performed on him the month before.
Today a handful of colleges across the country announced that they would allow coed dorm rooms. Should parents be concerned? No! It just means that you son or daughter will now not have to travel across campus or across town in order to have sex.
*In related news, parents are now sending their children off to college with vast supplies of condoms.
*In related news, Trojan has announced earnings above what was expected for this quarter.
*In related news, Billy here still can't get laid
*In unrelated news Backstreet boys still suck no matter how long they have been around. No amount of alcohol can ever change that.
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