Boring

I woke up this morning uninspired and with no foreseeable task to fill my day that was until I opened up my email box. There I found a letter from some schmoe in Africa claiming to be an auditor at a bank. I’m sure you all know the scenario: some poor schlep who at one time held an account with the bank died tragically and left behind a huge sum of money and unless that money is claimed by a next of kin it simply rolls over into some vacuum fund within the bank and disappears forever.

As I am sure you also know – at least you should know this – is that this is a scam. What happens is you get pulled in by this con by being promised a cut from this huge some of money and all you have to do is sign some official looking paper work declaring you as the next of kin (oh, and give them your personal banking account number, you know, so they can transfer the money from their account to yours) and then just sit back a you get rich. Of course, if you fall for it instead of finding our bank account overflowing with millions and millions of dollars you will find it drained completely. Anyway I decided to write one of these guys back and have a little fun. Here is what I wrote hope you enjoy and will keep you posted of any further developments.

I have received your email along with your business proposition and while I find your offer tempting I must concede that I am apprehensive since what you are proposing seems rather illegal. Issues of legality don’t bother me, but doing prison time does. I know that this may not improve my standing in your eyes, but I am myself a criminal, and without going into too much depth about my past let me only say this, we must proceed carefully in such matters. So, my kind sir, what I would like to know from you before our business association proceeds any further is:

1) Is what you are proposing legal? If it is there is no problem? If it is not legal than how do you plan on accomplishing such a feet?
2) What assurances do I have from you that I will get my money?

I wanted not to live a life of crime but I had to leave my native Austria behind some time ago because of, well, shall we say some unscrupulous business transactions. So, as you can see I am not without concern. Now, I have a made a life for myself in a legal manner – well, mostly, but you know how it is my dear chap – in Canada. The weather here is cold, but the women keep me worm and the bacon is excellent.

I would also like to inquire about the business expenses that will consume 10% of our profits. 35% of 13.5M is quite adequate but a number over 40% would be more to my liking. Lesson number one in business, my friend: lower expenses and increase profits.

Please right me back, my dear sir, and be not afraid because of whom I have confessed to be. My intentions are the same as yours – to become rich.

Kindly,
Marcus A. DiAngelo III

News Alert:

The Justice System of The United States uses Penis pumps.

*This is of course a response to the three NYC police officers who shot and killed a man hours before his wedding. Now I realize that maybe excessive force is called for in some cases, but being shot by 50 bullets is not self defence - sorry.

Hey Cuz

So apparently we all have that cousin - the one who has no name and is referred to to only as "a cousin" and instantly brings to mind obscene drunkenness, funny and sometimes embarrassing situations and, of course, is described by family and friends as someone who is "not all there." This person is, none the less, is someone who's company you enjoy thoroughly and someone who you look forward to seeing you next time through town and to the next encounter and the mayhem it will bring.

I only bring this up because of a reference my boss made to his cousin - a man who not only has incriminated himself in a a court of law but also made it a point to gain enough weight to reach three hundred pounds just as a personal challenge to see if he could. It reminded my of my cousin and how, whenever I hit a low period in my life like the one I am wading through right now, all I have to do is think of all the stupid shit we have done and I start to laugh hysterically and I realize that it will all be OK.

So, to the person in all of our lives that has failed to return your favorite Grand Theft Auto video game, or gotten drunk at your wedding and harassed all of the brides maids, or who has dragged you - in middle of the night - up the side of Longs Peak only to stop and sleep half way up the mountain amongst a sworn of bats flying over head; this is to you and all the good times you have had and to all the good times that are yet to come - cheers.

See you this summer, Cuz, where it will be my turn to get drunk at your wedding.

Pants full of shit

There's a rockin' and a rollin'
Toilet bowl keeps overflowin'
All the way to my feet and up to my knees
I let a loud one rip, didn't get a grip
Fell in past my waist and splashed in my face
Kids screaming down the hall
Was just smokin' a menthol
And just as I walked in
I realized I forgot my pen
Ideas spilling forth
I guess I pushed with too much force
The wife screamin' somethin'
But according to her I know nothin'
And now I'm lookin' to wipe
But all the toilet paper has been swiped
Now it feels like I'm packin'
A bazooka in my back end
With my pants full of shit
I walk out to take another hit

--Toilet Bowl

*I wrote this as a result of "stuff" that is going on in my life at the moment. Just an ode to how when it rains it pours.

Survival Sentence

I am increasingly of the opinion that George Carlin is right, that we should round up all of this countries dangerous criminals and place them in one large fenced off area - for the sake of argument, lets call this area "Texas" - and give them all the guns and ammunition that they need to defend themselves. It's not a death sentence, it's a survival sentence. If this countries justice system wasn't so screwed up as to place a large percentage of innocent people into jail while at the same time letting many guilty free, if their wallets are large enough, then I would be all for the idea.

But that just isn't the case and that vision of Utopia may never come to be reality, instead we will have to live with our current Distopia. But what about the blatantly dumb people of this world who display their stupidity for all of the world to see while at the same time go around promoting a coarse of action that is, well, just fucking frightening. Isn't there something we can do about them?

Eric Thompson is a prime example of this sort of thought process. Thompson is the man who owns TGSCOM, an online gun store that sold hand guns to both the Virginia Tech shooter, Seung-Hui Cho, and the Northern Illinois University gunman, Steven Kazmierczak. This example of Midwestern inbreeding spoke yesterday at Virginia Tech promoting gun concealment on campuses across the country. It appears that his visit to the campus was almost unknown to anyone other than concealed gun supporters who he spoke in front of and who numbered less than 50. I imagine that this was a good thing for his sake as many would have liked to show Mr. Thompson that you don't need a gun to kill someone, all you need is your fists, or in the case of the Virginia Tech student body, many, many fists.

If there was ever been a clearer case of someone more deserving to partake in my experiment of "Survival Justice" I have not seen it.

Guns-a blazin' II

Megan Fox, here I come

Guns-a blazin'

Hello Syra, here we come!

Only In Boulder

What happens when you bring 10,000 hippies, dread heads, college students and *Quote Normal *Unquote people all together in on of the most culturally diverse city - Boulder, Colorado - on the planet? That's right a Ganja marathon to see who can smoke not only the most ganja and how quick, but also see who can resists the temptation to start before the magical hour of 4:20 PM arrives - to date there have been zero winners.

We are are talking about pot heads after all, which might explain why there are no winners - hell, your average pot head is only aware of the munchies most of the time, the rest of the time they are sitting around not washing their hair and listening to lame music like The Doors, Led Zeppelin, and Carrie Underwood. But the festivarians come out year after year to entomb the city of Boulder in and new kind of smog that can be enjoyed instead of annoyed by all.

Even the local law enforcement has a hand in extracurricular festival activities. Two years ago lucky enough goers who provided their own weed were provided free drinks all thanks to the local popo who were kind enough to turn on the sprinklers. Last year they provided free pictures of all the fun to be had by the pot heads and even posted them on the city website for all to see and enjoy. They even turned it into a game, if you could name that tocker you could win $50.

You have to love the Peoples Republic of Boulder. Smoke on festivarians, smoke on. . .

Hope to see ya all there next year - the date and time is easy to remember 4:20 PM on April 20.

Thought of the day

If you shake it more than twice you're playing with it.

Bush and the Pope

So I was catching up on the news and reading the Thursday edition of the Wall Street Journal. On the side bar in the "What's News" there was a little blurb about how President Bush and Pope Benedict have similar views on freedom and morality. And then they wonder why they used to burn Christians at the stake. I was raised in a Catholic household and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things with other Catholics - or any religion for that matter - but I would never say that I had similar views on anything with President Bush. Not because I feel the man is a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong but because I don't think there is anything that we could agree on. I mean, I believe in. . .in. . .human rights and he doesn't. That's a pretty big gap to try and overcome. Given the chance I feel pretty confident that the man would nuke Canada for no other reason that they talk funny.

How ironic

Just finished watching a news feed on CNN about the filming of a girl beating another girl. I really can't say that I have been following ALL the news lately, but I am pretty sure there was a similar case earlier this week regarding one girl beating another and video taping it and then posting it on YouTube. Now I thinking I understand all that is wrong with this situation, but let me do a re-hashing just so we can make sure that I have all my I's dotted and T's crossed.

1) There is the basic issue of someone wanting to video tape such an event. Why would anyone want to video tape such a thing unless they found it something exciting to watch over and over again and felt that others would feel the same way. A definite statement about how our culture is hypnotized by violence, but also the fact that we feel a need to document all our moral shortcomings so we can re-hash them over and over for all the world to see.

2) Just as obvious is the fact that these people - and it never really has been restricted to these two little girls, this has been going on for far to long - see no problem with the fact that another needs to suffer in order for them to make there snuff film. But maybe if you took away the video camera they would have done it anyway just because they enjoyed it - I know there are plenty of people out there sick enough to do it.

3) Lastly there is the fact that girls, despite the fact that they must have realized that video taping such an event and then placing in a forum where all could see would land them in a world of trouble and yet they did it anyway. I can only imagine that was because the punishment wasn't enough to counter balance whatever hero worship they would get from their fellow students after they watched the film - again saying something about all of this countries current youth. Hell, and us grown ups as well.

Now, you have to ask yourself why? Stumbling over such a film must be an absolutely shocking experience for a parent, family relative - whoever - to find. Even if you are someone who doesn't know any of the children in the film it must be shocking - I sure as shit was shocked.

But in the end these pre-teen girls got - I would imagine - what they wanted in the first place - to be famous. CNN aired the video on their website. Yes, add fuel to the fire. And then we wonder why people would do such a thing? Yes, why indeed?

I was so disturbed by this that while eating a local Denny's, when I went to use the bathroom I had a perfectly good white bathroom stall just ripe for the writing and I came up with nothing. On top of that I went to the bathroom in the first place because I actually had to use the bathroom and in the end all I could muster was a hefty fart.

Remember. . .

Eventually all bleeding stops.

Your first date with me and my friend

It was a Saturday night on the first
I was so nervious I thought I would burst
Sitting in the booth with you I tried to hold it in
After I let it loose I felt much a-chagrin
This was your first date
Your first date with me and my friend

You thought that it would be just you and me
But the fact that I didn't crap my pants filled me with glee
After that I slid over in the booth placing a hand on your knee
But my friend crep up and said hello - the friend you could not see
This was your first date
Your first date with me and my friend

After that your eyes rolled back inside your head
Thankfully when you passed out you slumpted over face first onto the bread
The next morning you woke-up filled with dread
I think you were surprised to be waking up in my bed
This was your first date
Your first date with me and my friend

After that I never did see you again
I still think about you every now and again
But I'm not the only one, so does my friend

*this is a new work that can't be found anywhere - not on any bathroom wall, enjoy.

This means war

This morning just after I got to work I received a mysterious phone call from a women with an Indian accent saying that she had an urgent business matter to discuss with me. After I looked around on the Internet I discovered that the phone number was associated with DIRECTV.

*And just to be clear and dispel and confusion that might arise from what I said yesterday about about changing names to protect the innocent, that excludes DIRECTV. When I say DIRECTV I mean DIRECTV - the unholy Satan Spawn of the satellite TV universe and ass pirate corporation extraordinaire.

Since I love DIRECTV so much (as if you couldn't tell by the illustrious light that I shined on them in the above side bar) I called the lady back. She made reference to a $100 early cancellation fee which DIRECTV says I owe and which I say I don't, but before she got to much further into our conversation I hung up. It's to long of a story to repeat - I have repeated it to many timed to count - but the skinny is that you all out there in Internet land should stay the hell away from DIRECTV, unless that is of course you don't value your money situation at all, then by all means sign-up for their shitty service and sit back and watch as the extraneous fees start arriving in the mail. Eventually the harassing phone calls will start and soon after that your monthly rate will be hiked up so high that you'll probably end up with a bill higher than your rent or house payment.

This all throws me back to '86 and the final days of Uranus tissue paper products Inc. and to one particular customer that I lost because he claimed that by buying my product he was throwing money down the toilet - duh. When I asked what he was going to do about paper products for the restrooms in the hotel chains that he owned he simply replied: "we'll have to do without."

I bring this up because he was throwing money down the toilet by buying my product - no shit Sherlock - and I feel the same way about paying money for DIRECTV's service. Sure you get all the channels but every months you have to wonder if the pain and suffering that goes along with looking at all the money you are paying for that service is worth it knowing full well that it's not worth half of what is printed on that piece of paper. That's not money pain folks that pain from the realization that you are being had by one of the all time corrupt companies and there is nothing you can do about it, because by the time you realized who you were dealing with you are stuck with your two year contract and no way out.

It wasn't long after my business associate pulled the plug that he went belly-up. I can't say that it was all because he stopped proving tissue paper for his bathrooms, but I like to think so. And some day when DIRECTV goes belly-up I would like to think that I had a hand in it, because in my view of the world there isn't enough room for another corrupt company that tries their darnedest to dip a few extra times into the nowhere near bottomless pocket of America's middle class, there are already to many companies like that and now there is another one to add to the list - everybody say hello to their newest member - DIRECTV. DIRECTV this poem is for you and will be coming to a bathroom wall very, very soon:

Oh DIRECTV, Oh DIRECTV
I hate you u more than gonorrhea or HIV
You ripped me off and than spit on me
And then you charged me a bs late cancellation fee

Your service was never that good to begin with
I hope now that you have me bent over you are getting a real good whiff

Oh DIRECTV, Oh DIRECTV
Basic cable came with no porn which is why I switched to service with thee
That fact that you even exist just shows how much God must hate me
Having service with DIRECTV is like having a bladder stone and than talking a real long pee

If you are a customer of you know who
Get out now before they rub your face in poo and make you eat it too

Everywhere

On the toilet seat you laid in wait
Knowing full well the mirky waters below were your fate
With a fist full of tissue I gave you a nudge
Over the edge you took your plunge
With swirling water and no hesitation
Poo-poo land was your predestination

Now, now matter where I am
I know you are not far away
In every building on every corner
Despite the muddy waters
I know you ain't no goner

Flowing in the sewers beneath our feet
You can be found under every street
Over here and under there and even in my underwear
I know you can be found everywhere

*This is an unpublished work that I wrote back in '74

The end is near

It's coming, I hate to say it but. . .WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! If you think about it you know that I'm right and if you have already thought about it you know this to be true. We are in the midst of a recession, there is rioting in the streets over food shortages and the World Bank president just yesterday said that 33 countries are in danger of complete and total chaos. Isn't this how World War II got started? Let us see: recession; check, food shortage; check (this is how Hitler consolidated most of his power by providing a starving Germany with food and jobs), crazy leader hell bent on world domination; check.

All we need now is an illegal war that was waged to secure a diminishing energy supply and thus completing the dooms day trio plus one. Oops, I forgot; check. At least we are not using part of the dwindling food supply to offset our unquenchable thirst for energy. Oops again; check. OK, well, at least the chairman for The White House council on Environmental quality - James Connaughton - didn't try and blame a developing country like China (a nuclear power) as part of the cause of the aforementioned food shortage. Fuck me; check.

Well, I guess all that is left if for me to say "Sayonara, bitches. See you on the other side."

To whom it may concern

Everyone need a dis-claimer and this blog is no different. I mean, really, people are just to sensitive these days. I'm sure that I will say something that will offend someone somewhere down the line and if I do my job right I will offend lots of people all of whom will write me and tell my how big of a moron I am. Hey, whatever, in the end I got to say what I wanted and you got to say what you wanted - everybody wins. Having said that, my dis-claimer is this: To protect the innocent and guilty alike, all names have been changed. Why, you might be asking? Not because this is sensitive material we are talking about here but because the average Tom, Dick, and Harry names are boring and it is fun to come up with new ones. Hell, this isn't news that can't be found anywhere else but here but news that has my own distorted twist. But don't you worry, even though I have changed the names I will still make fun of these people without holding back or rest to my fullest possible extent. Again, why, you might be asking? Because I'm a sick bastard I guess, but then so is the rest of society, so maybe that makes me normal?

Not the answer you were expecting, I know, but so goes the way of life - welcome.

My own name too has been changed to protect the innocent and not because I am a wanted man, and not because I am some kind of gun toting wacko carrying around Dirty Harry's best friend in my back pocket, and certainly not because I have deep pocketed connections to certain individuals in Washington who might like to see me dead if they found out I was ranting on a blog. I have changed my name because - believe it or not - I am famous. Well, I should say that I am famous for not being famous when I should have been famous. I have a claim to fame that no one else can claim - I invented bathroom wall poetry. Yes, you can call me Jubilant Echo or Toilet Bowl if you prefer.

But I am not angry for my lack of fame - no, no, no. I could care less if I am famous or not, which is why I choose to remain anonymous. But I do care about the art form which I lovingly gave birth too and want to see it grow and neutered.

It wasn't me who coined the fraise Just sittin' here ass cheeks-a-flexin, but I did finish it with givin birth to a ten pound Texan. After that, wherever there was a a nicely painted white bathroom wall before I got there, after I left there was only works of art left in its place; poetry that rolled off the tongue:

Just sittin here ass cheeks-a-flexin
Given birth to a ten pound Texan
With pants and undies down around my knees
This is what I get for eating so much cheese
Mary mother and Holy ghost
Toilet Bowl I love the most

I suppose that it's fitting that I would be the one that developed the bathroom wall poetry movement - no pun intended. I say this because I traveled a lot and visited many, many hotels, gas stations, and rest stop bathrooms, I had not only the time but a wide area of exposure to get the ball rolling, that and the fact that I was working on getting a start-up business up and running - Uranus tissue paper products Inc.

I am not arguing that the art form didn't take off after that and that there weren't others who took up the art after me, but none - I like to think - were as original as me. And none were as eloquently mixed in a Shakespearean kinda way or as imaginary like that of a painting by Monet and harmony reminiscent of Bach as well.

I know what you must be thinking right about now - what an extremely pompous thing to say - but I did pretty much single handily start one of American greatest past time activities.

Today I live in Colorado and while I consider myself retired I am not retired. I intend on finishing the work that I started in the sixties - everything that came before was only the beginning. From hence forth I plan on making a bigger ruckus bigger then. . . then. . . then a loud fart in church.

Now, what you will read on this site will not exclusively be bathroom poetry, it will also be opinion pieces, political analysis, berating the stupid, critiques of all that is wrong with humanity, a vetting of the worlds injustice, bathroom sanitation, dissection of world affairs, and of course hygiene - wash your hands afterwards.

It's time that I dusted off my pen and paper. Watch out, because I'm comin' to a bathroom near you.